Friday, January 18, 2013

The Coffee Incident


The Island King and I have been together for 24 years - which means I expect him to know certain things about me.

The fact that he doesn’t means the kids got to witness what they consider to be the funniest argument we’ve ever had.

We were on our way to Tower Camp several months ago and as usual the truck was packed to the brim.

Our last stop was the grocery store and when we got back in the truck we had to pile quite a few bags of groceries in my lap for the ride.

We drove a little way and I started getting a headache.

I told the Island King that I needed a cup of coffee and he says “no problem, I’ll make some as soon as we get to Tower Camp”.

No, that won’t work. Tower Camp is an hour away and I know that without coffee by the time we get there my head will explode.

I tell him that and he just keeps driving.

I really want him to swing into a convenience store and grab me a cup of coffee but he seems pretty intent on ignoring me.

Which ticked me off and made my head hurt even worse.

So I said “I need a cup of coffee right now” – waited exactly one minute and then said it again.

Do you remember the commercial where the owl wants to know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll?

Well, it only takes me saying “I need coffee now” 5 times before the Island King starts cussing under his breath and swings into the next store for coffee.

He was mad because he was in a hurry to get to Tower Camp and I was mad because my head hurt and I shouldn’t have had to say “I need coffee” 5 times before he pulled into a store.

The store he turned into was a McDonalds so he pulled up to the drive through and ordered a large coffee.

The cashier asked if he wanted anything with it, he looked at me and I told him a handful of sugar and creamers.

At that moment I realized that I’d said sugar instead of sweetener and as I was trying to correct the order the Island King just pulls on up to the next window.

Which I thought was rude but didn’t say so.

The employee opens the window and hands us the cup of coffee.

I ask about the cream and sugar and he says I put it in there for you.

“What?”

Maybe I was being unreasonable but I didn’t want him throwing “a handful of stuff” into my coffee. I asked for a handful because I thought he’d give it to me like they do ketchup packets and that I could mix it to my liking.

I say “No, No, NO!” and the Island King drives off.

He pulls on up to the road and is waiting to pull out into traffic and I’m getting more upset by the minute.

“Stop!!!! This isn’t right”

And out into traffic he goes.

I took one sip of the coffee and it was vile. Not because I was mad but because it was old and I’m positive there wasn’t a drop of sugar or creamer in there.

We could have remedied that if the Island King wasn’t being such a butt and had let me send the coffee back and get what I wanted.

But he didn’t and now we were on the road again.

While this is going on the boys are in the back seat and seem to think this is the funniest thing they’ve ever seen.

They were whispering and laughing and laying odds on the winner of the war they knew was about to happen.

I was so mad, all I wanted was a decent cup of coffee and for my headache to go away. I really didn’t think that was asking too much and the fact that I was literally having to fight to get it just made my head hurt even worse.

“You have to pull into a Jr Store and so I can get something to fix this coffee with”
Silence from him.

The two year old in me came out and I started saying “pull into a store” over and over again.

Why watching your parents have a fight like this is funny I don’t know but the boys were enjoying every minute of it.

The Youngest asked his brother if he thinks I’ll say “pull into a store” all the way to Tower Camp and the Oldest says “No, Dad will snap before then and stop at a store to make her be quiet”

The Oldest won that one because it only took a couple of minutes and my non stop pull into the store stuff to make the Island King blow and pull into the next convenience store.

He pulls up to the store and is sitting there, both hands tightly gripping the steering wheel, staring straight ahead when I tell him that he has to go in because I’m buried under all of the camping and grocery stuff.

If my head had not been about to blow off my shoulders and I wasn’t furious about having to make such a fuss to get a cup of coffee, I might have been a little scared when he looked at me and very quietly said “What do you want me to get?”

I tell him 4 creamers and 4 packs of Equal. As he’s getting out I grab his arm and say “It HAS to be Equal or regular sugar – nothing else will work”

He slams the door, walks into the store and the boys fall out laughing. All I want at this point is a drinkable cup of coffee and for my head to stop hurting.

The Island King gets back in the truck and throws the stuff in my lap.

I look down and see 2 creamers and 4 packs of Splenda.

SPLENDA?

And he is already driving away.

Very calmly I say “Did you not hear me when I asked for 4 creamers and either Equal or sugar?”

He looks in the rearview mirror at the boys and starts talking to them about what we were going to do when we get to Tower Camp.

He’s ignoring me. I have a massive headache, am mad beyond belief that getting a cup of coffee has turned into such a problem and now he’s just going to act like I’m not here.

He and the boys chatted for the rest of the drive while I sat, thinking of ways to get rid of his body after I killed him with my bare hands.

And being the two year old that I am, I did not drink one drop of that coffee.

By the time we got to Tower Camp he and the boys had been laughing and talking and he was completely over being mad about the coffee.

I was not.

And my head was about to explode.

The first thing he did when we got there, even before unloading the truck, was pull out the camp stove and brew me a nice strong cup of coffee.

And I was able to add my own condiments.

Twenty four years with me. He should know how I like my coffee. And he also should know that if I tell him I’m getting a headache and need coffee that I’m getting a headache and need coffee.

To this day the boys bring this fight up and laugh hysterically.

Their father tells them that this is a prime example of just how unreasonable women can be.

I’ve told them that when they’ve been with the same woman for 24 years they’d better know how she likes her coffee or else she will use their toothbrush to clean the gunk out of her keyboard and then put it back where it lives.

The funny this is that after I told them that the Island King started hiding his toothbrush.

What’s that old saying? “No use closing the barn door once the horse is out”
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