Our Florida Christmas Cracker

Christmas Day I was talking to my cousin, the Pie Lady, and she showed me a treasure she'd found at a yard sale.

A clay turkey.

She holds up the turkey and says “Look at the size of his butt. I filled him with confetti and we can stick a firecracker in his butt and blow him up."

An idea which I really liked.

Her daughter immediately tells me that the confetti is metal and everybody knows that another word for pieces of flying metal is shrapnel.

The only shrapnel the Pie Lady is worried about are the turkey's feet because they were rather large.

Not huge but definitely big enough to hurt really bad if they hit you.

Her husband, the Mullet Master, wanted to know why we couldn't just shoot it with a shotgun but Pie Lady and I both agreed that shooting something just isn't as cool as blowing something up.

So Mullet Master produced an M80 and we tried to put it in the turkey's butt.

As big as that butt seemed it wasn't big enough to stick the M80 in there so the Island King took the turkey down into the basement.

When I asked what he was doing he told me that he was “reaming out the turkey's butt.” Which prompted my BIL, the GI doctor, to say that if the Island King needed help to let him know because he's really good at reaming out butts.

Which is when the Island Girl leaned over whispered “Well that's probably not a conversation you hear often.”

Finally, the turkey's butt was big enough to put the M80 in and that just left the question of who was going to light the firecracker.

The group agreed it should be the fastest runner but my Dad declared that he was the host and he wanted to light the fuse.

Really? I'm not allowed to talk about Dad's age but let me just say he's no spring chicken.

He didn't care and off he went to blow up the turkey.

He put it out on his seawall, everybody backed way up and Dad lit the fuse.

Remember when I said he's no spring chick? I might be wrong about that because I've never seen him move that fast in my life.

He ducked behind a tree and there was a moment when we thought it was going to go out and then POOF! The turkey exploded.

A chunk of it hit the tree Dad was hiding behind (probably one of those big feet) and the kids found 2 other small chunks but that was it.

Unfortunately, the confetti didn't really go anywhere.

Which gave me the idea of putting some Shockwave in something, putting it out on a piling from the old dock and shooting it.

Giving Island Girl the idea to make a paper mache turkey for next year. Like a 3 foot tall turkey with a butt big enough for the Shockwave.

The Pie Lady says that in England they light firecrackers at Christmas and call them Christmas Crackers so she proclaimed a new tradition – the Florida Christmas Cracker – meaning we need to start blowing something up every Christmas.

At one point the Island King looked at me and said “You really are one of them, aren't you?”

Yes I am!

Enjoy our Florida Christmas Cracker