Christmas Day I was talking to my cousin, the Pie Lady, and she
showed me a treasure she'd found at a yard sale.
A clay turkey.
She holds up the turkey and says “Look at the size of his butt.
I filled him with confetti and we can stick a firecracker in his butt
and blow him up."
An idea which I really liked.
Her daughter immediately tells me that the confetti is metal and
everybody knows that another word for pieces of flying metal is
The only shrapnel the Pie Lady is worried about are the turkey's
feet because they were rather large.
Not huge but definitely big enough to hurt really bad if they hit
Her husband, the Mullet Master, wanted to know why we couldn't
just shoot it with a shotgun but Pie Lady and I both agreed that
shooting something just isn't as cool as blowing something up.
So Mullet Master produced an M80 and we tried to put it in the
As big as that butt seemed it wasn't big enough to stick the M80
in there so the Island King took the turkey down into the basement.
When I asked what he was doing he told me that he was “reaming
out the turkey's butt.” Which prompted my BIL, the GI doctor, to
say that if the Island King needed help to let him know because he's
really good at reaming out butts.
Which is when the Island Girl leaned over whispered “Well that's
probably not a conversation you hear often.”
Finally, the turkey's butt was big enough to put the M80 in and
that just left the question of who was going to light the
The group agreed it should be the fastest runner but my Dad
declared that he was the host and he wanted to light the fuse.
Really? I'm not allowed to talk about Dad's age but let me just
say he's no spring chicken.
He didn't care and off he went to blow up the turkey.
He put it out on his seawall, everybody backed way up and Dad lit
Remember when I said he's no spring chick? I might be wrong about
that because I've never seen him move that fast in my life.
He ducked behind a tree and there was a moment when we thought it
was going to go out and then POOF! The turkey exploded.
A chunk of it hit the tree Dad was hiding behind (probably one of
those big feet) and the kids found 2 other small chunks but that was
Unfortunately, the confetti didn't really go anywhere.
Which gave me the idea of putting some Shockwave in something,
putting it out on a piling from the old dock and shooting it.
Giving Island Girl the idea to make a paper mache turkey
for next year. Like a 3 foot tall turkey with a butt big enough for
The Pie Lady says that in England they light firecrackers at
Christmas and call them Christmas Crackers so she proclaimed a new tradition – the Florida Christmas
Cracker – meaning we need to start blowing something up every
At one point the Island King looked at me and said “You really
are one of them, aren't you?”
Yes I am!
Enjoy our Florida Christmas Cracker