I Was Not Having Sex in the Walmart

I ran into Walmart the Sunday evening before Christmas Eve to pick up a few last minute things and apparently the magnet in me that attracts weird was working at full capacity.

I grabbed the few things I needed, paid in the 20 items or less aisle and headed out.

Just before I got to the door, a linebacker sized man stepped right in front of my buggy, stopping me cold.

Instantly two, not quite as large but still big, men appeared on either side of me.

The man in front of me introduced himself as so and so of the Walmart loss prevention department and said “I need to ask you about the maintenance worker you were talking to.”

Which immediately confused me because I didn’t speak to a living soul except for the check out girl while I was in the store. Plus, the words loss prevention threw me, did they think I stole something? And what does that have to do with the maintenance worker?


He asks again if I am the woman who was with the maintenance worker.

“No, I haven’t spoken to anyone in this store except for the clerk over there.”

He gets on his radio and asks someone for the description of ‘the woman.’

She’s wearing a black shirt with white sleeves. Mine is a blue short sleeve shirt but I do have long johns on so I have white sleeves.

She has dark brown hair, almost black. Mine is dark blond, almost grey.

The loss prevention guy sounds frustrated and says “Does her shirt say Poke Me?”

Because, yes, I was wearing this shirt.


Loss prevention man looks at the guy to my left and says “We’re going to have to work on descriptions”

I was starting to get irritated and decided that I didn’t like the way these guys were blocking me in so I said “What is this about? Are you accusing me of something? And what does any of this have to do with a maintenance worker?”

Realizing that I obviously wasn’t ‘the woman’ in question, the two guys standing on each side of me faded off into the crowd and Mr. Loss Prevention says “I’m very sorry for inconveniencing you but we’ve just had a report of a woman and a maintenance man behaving inappropriately in the back of the store and we’d like to speak to her.”

He apologizes again, and then poof, he’s gone too.

I start walking out the door and it hits me full on – I was suspected of “behaving inappropriately with a maintenance man” in the back of the store.

Maybe I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure that “inappropriate behavior” is code for something sex related.

Of course when I got home and told the Island King he started teasing me and then played this on Youtube. Over and over again.

I thought being accused of beating an old man with a crab net was bad but I think being accused of having sex with the maintenance man in Walmart is worse.